Autumn in South Kensington

Out in the leafy suburbs of South Ken’

I watch the conkers fall

Onto beds of red, gold and brown.

I stare at sycamore seeds that

Take flight,

Drifting lazily

To float softly and airily down.

I see a sunset and sunrise

Through clear skies

Devoid of smog and smoke

And breathe deeply the clean air,

Expand my lungs and I don’t

Cough, splutter or choke.

Then I walk into the swollen belly

Of the mechanical beast

That is taking me underground

Back to the east.

My soul cries aloud,

For it knows that it

Will once again be lost

In a forest of concrete,

An air of contempt and an

Indifferent crowd.

Worry

I worry about things that I probably shouldn’t,

About things that other people probably wouldn’t.

About money even though I’ve got quite a good job,

About what sounds more professional, Robert or Rob.

I panic about parties and what I should wear,

The worry about my manliness as I really shouldn’t care.

I worry that hair gel will highlight my bald spot,

That I will never be satisfied with what I have got.

I worry that I’ll continue to strive and to fail,

An automaton reaching for that mythical grail.

But most of all I worry that I’m not good enough,

That I’ll do something stupid and hurt the people I love.

That they’ll look at me and on closer inspection

Will find me wanting and then hand me a rejection,

And I know that it’s just insecurity,

That it’s fear of being lost to obscurity.

That worrying is just like a rocking chair,

It passes the time but I’m getting nowhere.

Existential Thought No. 1

If home is where you lay your hat,
Then Heaven is where you lay your heart,
Where Angels flock about your head
To kiss your face
And with tears of joy, depart.

Map of Life

I think about the decisions that brought me here,

Like a map in my mind my journey is clear,

Every twist every turn - the path I have travelled

Is a tangle of twine that has now come unravelled

And I pick up a thread like Theseus did,

To go back through the Labyrinth of life I have lived.

I’ve faced the beast and I’ve come through unscathed,

Become a hero and all has been saved.

I returned to applause and mass adoration

And never again will I meet expectation,

The bar I have set – I set it too high,

I’ll not reach it again though I’m sure I’ll get by.

I’ll learn to adjust as the new generation

Maps out a course to their new destination.

And if they need it I’ll be here as their guide

My new mission starts, it’s to stay by their side.

I'm-Mortal

If I were to die then what would I leave,

Family and friends to mourn and to grieve,

A wife to cry upon my empty pillow,

A fatherless child, not a wife, but a widow.

I’m sure I would leave a small hole in their lives,

Like gin without tonic and cheese without chives,

A missing piece of their favourite puzzle,

A big empty bed with nobody to cuddle.

The memory of my crooked toothed smile,

A mosaic of pearly white chipped and cracked tile,

The light in my eyes extinguished forever,

And the way that our hands fit perfectly together.

When something goes wrong and I’m not there to blame,

You’ll find someone else but it won’t be the same,

But you’ll remember me fondly and sometimes you’ll chortle,

And in those brief moments you make me immortal.

Volcano

I’m seething.

I’m boiling.

I’m a dormant volcano. I wait.

With a molten core I spit

and consume that which will make me boil over.

A belly full of rage awaits

that brave soul who challenges my peaks.

Their tears hiss when hitting my fire,

Fueling my ire, feeding my desire

to devour them whole.

But for now I slumber fitfully,

A nightmare of red heat.

And when I awake, with sweaty palms,

I’ll destroy them like a scythe through wheat.

Inconsequential

I think inconsequential thoughts of no import.

When you speak I try a witty retort.

But my heart isn’t in it,

My head isn’t right,

Scarred from nightmares I screamed through the middle of the night.

I think insignificant feelings towards you,

Though I try my best to make them feel true.

They feel somewhat forced,

Heart and brain are divided,

I’m one dysfunctional organism with parts left unguided.

You cast these irrelevant judgements upon me,

I weighed myself, found wanting, and somewhat agree.

A chasm exists,

Where once was my heart,

And I struggle to remember how it looked at the start.

I have unimportant opinions about us,

Things that I don’t see the need to discuss.

I switch off inside,

Become a machine,

Wait to be dismantled and slowly stripped clean.

Ghost of the Past

I saw a ghost today,

A spectre from my past,

The one that got away,

A die that’s long been cast.

A modern Aphrodite,

With ethereal grace,

I once dreamt of her nightly,

Her pretty porcelain face

That defies the sands of time,

And stays forever youthful,

A woman in her prime,

My eyes cannot be truthful.

I smile and she walks on,

Without a second look,

Here one minute then she’s gone,

Like a page turned in a book

Or a leaf blown in the breeze,

That once fell from a tree,

A fugitive that flees

To once again feel free.

An inconsequential act,

In this pointless play that’s life,

Exit Left with pride intact,

I go home to see my wife.

And I spare her no more thoughts,

I forget about that ghost-

That big fish that I once caught,

The one I used to want the most.

People are Inherrantly Cruel

People are inherently cruel, you fool!

They learn it throughout childhood, in school.

They make fun of kids in glasses- four eyes

And the little chubby kid- who ate all the pies?

They ridicule the teacher with the mushroom shaped nose,

Laugh when, with handkerchief in hand, he blows.

And then there’s the teacher who spits when he speaks,

Halitosis and coffee, his breath really reeks.

The poor kid sticks out with his Reeback shoes,

The girls turn their noses up in their Jimmy Choos.

And the smelly greasy kid, ‘He deserves it.’

You know nothing about him you posh snotty shit.

And the funny thing about all of this?

They’re laughing behind your back and taking the piss.

Calling you stuck up and an arrogant Toff,

And I won’t even mention what’s said of the Goth.

This illustrates my point that cruelty resides

In the hearts of the people, where it thrives.

But that’s ok, you must be cruel to be kind,

It isn’t your fault it’s the way we’re designed.

Goddess

Prostrate at her feet I lie,

My Goddess.

In subjugation I worship her

And confess.

Make sacrifices daily

To please,

Upon cold, hard floors

On my knees,

I wait for her blessing,

The order to stand,

For her glowing light,

To envelop my hand

And access to her temple,

If she should so grant.

A monotone from my mouth,

Whispered in a chant.

My faith is steadfast,

Never does it falter.

I receive her communion,

Standing still at her altar.

Her word is law,not to be broken,

Whether it be written or spoken.

Yet the sins I have sinned,

She forgives

And my broken spirit,

In her it lives.

My faith grows stronger,

Reaffirmed,

Her faith in me?

Unconfirmed.

The Mindset of Marriage

A ring on the finger, it makes all the difference,
It feels just the same, which doesn't make sense,
I love her no more, I love her no less,
But she looked like a princess in that pretty white dress.
The stress is now over, that one special day
Disappeared like soap bubbles, floating softly away.
She's changed her last name, she's now Mrs Brooks,
But when I do wrong I still get dirty looks.
See nothing has changed, well, in that respect,
Not on the surface, anyway, that I can detect,
But I play with the band that encircles my finger,
And when I catch myself there's a smile seems to linger.
So was it all worth it? Well I show it with pride,
That gold circle on my finger, placed there by my bride

A Good Smoke

I need nicotine in my bloodstream to function throughout the day,

So I light up in the morning and I know that you may say

That smoking is bad for my health and one day I’ll die,

But I’m dying for a fag so hear this in reply:

I don’t want to see those pictures on packets

I don’t want to hear your incessant racket

I don’t want to see your disapproving stare

Preach all you like, I really don’t care.

The adverts I see tend to make me laugh,

I chuckle hours later while I smoke in the bath

At the metaphor of an impotent man (you know the one)

It doesn’t do it for me, so don’t spoil my fun.

I’ll cough and splutter and happily inhale,

My scent will be tobacco smoke, slightly stale,

I know you have your vice as everyone does,

The one thing you like that gives you a buzz,

I don’t tell you alcohol will ruin your liver,

There is no stupid sermon I try to deliver,

To get you to relinquish something you love,

So I’ll push you away with a stiff armed shove.

I’ll continue to smoke while I earn my own crust,

Without my taxes the government would go bust

So unless you want a rise in income tax

Shut up and leave me to smoke and relax.

I apologise if this seems like some kind of rant or rave,
You have done my head in but now I promise to behave.
Just leave me be with my own dirty habit
I'll go smoke outside, this clean air, you can have it.

A Letter to my Unborn Child Number 3

My Dearest Child,

You are yet to be born.

I wait for you patiently

Like flowers await the dawn.

I hunger the warmth

Of that first morning’s touch.

You’ll reach out to grab me

And tightly you’ll clutch

Upon my little finger,

And we’ll be connected

Through one simple touch,

My life is perfected.

Your cries will be loud

They will tear me from sleep,

And when I’m exhausted

You will cause me to weep.

I will sacrifice everything

I won’t stop ‘til I drop

And I’ll love you unconditionally,

Forever

            Your Pop

A Letter to My Unborn Child Number 2

To my unborn child that I’ve yet to name,

Whether you’re male or female I’ll love you the same,

I chose not to find out in the ultrasound scan,

Mum didn’t like that as she wanted to plan

The colours of your childhood, either pink or blue.

Well everything’s lemon so I hope that suits you,

If not I’m sorry but I want the suprise,

We’ll go shopping after to accessorise,

I’ll push the pram proudly and hold mummy’s hand,

I’ll do it for hours ‘til I can barely stand.

Or mum can do it alone, I guess, if you’d rather,

But I’ll be waiting at home for you,

                                With Love

                                Your Father

A Letter to My Unborn Child Number 1

Dear Son/Daughter/Baby/Bump,

Yesterday I first heard your heart thump.

It was loud and proud and quick and clear,

And that sound was enough to make my eyes tear

And I smiled and I found that I was tapping my feet

To a noise that was so like a drum and bass beat

That it resonated loud and deep within my chest,

Where my pride for you is already swelling my breast.

I tap mummy’s belly to the rhythm of your heart,

Knowing that our hands are mere inches apart

And I feel more love for you than I knew I had,

Can’t wait to see you,

                                Yours Lovingly,

                                                Dad

The Hole

The dark, black cavernous hole,
Where something beautiful once sat,
Is cold like a Tundra, bitter and unforgiving,
A void of unrelenting harshness where nothing grows.
What was once there has withered,
With woe taking its place.
To stare into that abyss is
to look Death in the eye.
And when inevitably you blink,
You die.

Wedding Bells

Wedding bells are ringing now the time is getting near,
Eighteen months have flown right by with happiness and fear.
Dissected table plans and menus sit upon my table,
Diamantes on the dresses, every placemat has a label.
Invitations have been sent and now we’ve picked our favourite song,
Nightmares of disasters and everything that could go wrong.
Gone are days of bachelorhood it’s now time to commit,
Begin our journey through married life and now I will submit.
Even if she hurts me I’ll lay prostrate at her feet,
Love her unconditionally and let her have my seat.
Let her wear the trousers, though it’s me who’ll pick the style,
So chain that ball around my foot as I walk on down that aisle.

The Bigger Picture

Wrapped up in self importance it suddenly occurs to me

That the so called bigger picture is the thing we fail to see.

We strut around like peacocks with an air of arrogance

And though we think we lead we’re being led in this great dance.

A speck upon the canvas of this work of art we are,

We hide between some planets sitting by a shining star

In a Milky Way that is, at best, a tiny little fraction

Of a universe that looks at us with much dissatisfaction.

We talk about observing life from a macrocosmic view,

But in practice, we clearly struggle to see past the ME or YOU.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is bad

It is in our human nature, I just think that it is sad!

It’s a crying shame that we can choose so freely to ignore

The edges of the picture or the frame that holds much more

Than the black and white and greyish shades that people recognise

As the only colours in their life, if they just opened their eyes

To see the splash of colour that’s occurring all around them

And devour sensual stimulators with a slight reckless abandon.

If you’ve taken time to read this then I hope you’ve understood

That without the bigger picture nothing ever looks as good.

Cold Feet, Warm Heart

I lay awake upon my bed, my bones are tired, I ache.
Strange thoughts are running 'round my head, and now I'm cold I shake.
Upon my forehead beads of sweat appear without consent,
I wonder if this is regret, my lids start their descent.
Then fireworks shoot 'cross my eyes and leave me feeling blind
To what is truth what were these lies I've told my fragile mind.
My heart skips beats, I feel such fear, the darkness overwhelms me,
I sit upright, and catch a tear, I rub my eyes to see
An angel lying by my side, her face scarred by a nightmare,
This is my love, my future bride, my tired eyes just stare.
I feel a glow within my breast, at last I feel secure,
I settle down, at last to rest, and know my future's sure.
My path is set and looks so straight, we'll both walk arm in arm,
I'll not get lost or deviate, she makes me feel so calm.
If some time I lose my way she'll take me by the hand,
I know that if I fall someday it's her who'll help me stand.

Cycle

Our lives are sand upon the shore,

Swept out to sea and back once more,

In constant flux, these sands of time,

And when we’re gone the stars still shine,

Upon the place we used to be,

Where pictures fade and memories flee

To disappear amongst the crowd

Of wispy visions that like a cloud

Are blown away by windy breath,

While hand in hand we walk with Death.

And yet the cycle carries on,

It doesn’t care that we are gone.

It never slows, it never stops,

They plant the seeds then gather crops.

And what is it we left behind?

Our bodies gone, our hearts and minds.

Just our children and theirs that follow,

Who have our eyes that see tomorrow,

The sands still shift before the tide,

The cycle cannot be denied.

Succubus

I had a vivid dream last night,

A Succubus upon my bed.

I thought that she might suck me dry

And leave a husk both dry and dead.

Though something deep inside me stirred

To fight until the bitter end.

And now she sits, sad, by my side

Waiting for my heart to mend.

So once again she'll claim my love,

And drape her chains around my soul,

Tighten ‘tiI I barely breathe,

Her mouth becomes a gaping hole

That draws the light right from my eyes

And shatters hope and shatters dreams.

So with pessimism I give up,

And let her have my tortured screams.

The Rose

I know I will bleed but I cannot resist,
The touch of that thorny rose, nor her kiss,
And wrapped within that painful embrace,
My spirit ascends with a dancer like grace.
Despite the pain I find an escape,
And the world around me starts to lose shape,
The edges get blurry and the colours all fade,
Retreating like cowards to the place they were made.
And through this confusion there is one thing that’s clear,
A thing untainted by weakness or fear,
My blood, shining claret that drips from the rose,
And the blade that has drawn it, my clarity grows
With each moment’s passing, approaching my last,
I wait in suspense for a flash of my past.
But I only see the future and what I could gain,
I gave up those chances, now I’m lost to the pain.

Love. What is Love?

Love? What is love but a chemical reaction,

A mathematical equation illustrated by a fraction.

Love? What is love but a firing of synapses,

Electrical signals with emotional relapses.

Love? What is love but an optimistic illusion,

A dream and a nightmare that’s caught in cold fusion.

Love? What is love but the skip of a heartbeat,

That’s just arrhythmia with sub-conscious deceit.

Love? What is love but the flipside of hate,

It’s a theoretical flight of fancy like ‘fate!’

Love? What is love? Is it even real?

Who knows what it is? But it’s something I feel.